Conversations with Fertility Doctors: Cisgender Heterosexual Edition
Yes, “barren” is an actual word I just used despite my many years of education and professional experience.
Doctor (to WOMAN):
I’m glad you came in today because what most women don’t know is that fertility declines with age. No one has ever mentioned this in any of the media, social, news, or mother-in-law conversations they consume. So I make it my mission to educate as many women as I can, here in my office, where they come after trying and failing to have a baby for at least a year. It’s better to know the truth. For example, you have very little chance of becoming pregnant at seventy years old. Most women don’t know that.
Doctor (to MAN):
10–4 good buddy, thanks for coming into my office! Yeah, it’s cool, I’ve got my college baseball trophies around and it looks nothing like an exam room. We want you to feel comfortable! Like you’re out at the pub with your sports bros. You like sports, right?
Doctor (to WOMAN):
I know women these days prefer to “wait to settle down,” but what they’ve got to consider is that they may be technically barren by the time they decide they want to have a baby. And yes, “barren” is an actual word I just used despite my many years of education and professional experience.
Doctor (to MAN):
Alright there, brah, we just gotta check off this box. You know how the ladies are, do everything by the book, amirite? But me? I’m sure you’re fine. Do you feel fine? Sure you do. You look great. You lift, right? We’ll just take a quick look and you can get outta here. Why are you wasting time here anyway? You should be at home, boning.
Doctor (to WOMAN):
Yes, I see how it could be hard for you to settle down earlier given that men are marrying later, too, but I don’t see how that’s my fault. Well, you implied it by not immediately agreeing with me. If you didn’t want people to judge you, you should’ve gotten married at sixteen.
You’re not actually married to your partner? Well, there you go.
Doctor (to MAN):
Just as I suspected — your dick is awesome.
Now, please take a cup and this tasteful nudie magazine, and do what you’ve done every day for fun since you hit puberty.
Doctor (to WOMAN):
Well, we’ll do our best, meaning we will put you through the exact same battery of interventions we do for everyone and take all of your money. Now please climb onto this cold table while I investigate your genitalia and make disapproving noises. I may invite several med students in to observe. If any of them are women, I’ll warn them about the age thing.
Doctor (to MAN):
Good to see you, broheim! Your counts came back a tiny bit low, but we’re not gonna worry about that! You’ve still got plenty of manly, muscular sperms to get the job done. You’re fine! Go home and get banging.
Doctor (to WOMAN):
We can’t find anything wrong with you, but don’t think for a second that means you’re fine. We probably haven’t invented the test for what you have yet. Yes, it looks like there could be some male-factor issues, but we’re gonna do what we do in every situation anyway: inject you — the woman — full of hormones and do invasive procedures involving speculums, ultrasound wands shaped like the world’s least-satisfying penis, massive ovary-piercing syringes, and PAs with little experience stabbing at your cervix till the thingy goes through.
Doctor (to MAN):
Ok, brosephus — or do you prefer broseph? We’re gonna need you to come in one time really early in the morning and jack off. If that’s okay with you? I mean, it’s really early, like six or seven am. I know getting up that early is hard — HA HA, hard, just like you have no trouble getting, I’m sure! Though seriously, we could change the schedule for you if it’s inconvenient.
Doctor (to WOMAN):
You need to be here Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, the following Tuesday and pencil in every morning at 11 am for procedures that, if not downright painful, are at least mildly humiliating and involve “spotting.”
Doctor (to WOMAN):
You got pregnant before we started treatment? Well, congratulations. You’re lucky. Really lucky. At your age and everything. Also, I will absolutely take credit for making this happen.
Doctor (to MAN):
Homerun, dude! I knew you could do it! You’re an absolute legend.
Hallie Pritts is a writer from Pittsburgh. Former artist-in-residence in New Zealand. Sewanee Writers alum. Rode a bike across the U.S. once. Find her on Twitter @halliepritts and at www.halliepritts.com.
